4 th of July Weekend

 

Enjoy your holiday weekend!  Keep your fingers and your pets safe!

DOGS

My neighbors were still firing off firecrackers at 130 this am.  Mr. Minion and myself we wrapped together in a blanket while he shook and shivered.  My heart broke for his terror.

This will be a long weekend at our house with little sleep for me to make my little guy safe.

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My View of the last 5 Years

This post is has actually been harder for me to write than all the others regarding Clint’s illness. 

He was never the most affectionate man, the last 4-5 years were even worse than before.  Rarely a kiss, never a hug.  Usually his “grumpy old man” mood.  He was angry about a lot of things.  Unfortunately I was the one he could grump about the most. 

He would get angry over other people’s driving skills and could rant for the entire drive about it.  Where other people parked their grocery carts.  What other people weigh.  I could deal with most of this as it was not directed at me.  He was never violent, just really, really angry.

But when he got to me………….

He would get angry over what I ate. How fast I ate (hey I work in a hospital and sometimes it is eat fast or don’t eat at all). That I ate.  Why all I thought about was food.  He would get so mad about my eating he would not talk to me for hours. Yes, most of his picking at me, as he says was about food.  Sometimes my attitude or weight, usually food. ( I hate food)  I could ask what was wrong and he would say “nothing” not looking at me or actually interacting with me. If we went to bed while he was still angry at me there was not touching or cuddling.  This seemed to happen many nights running.   There were so many of those nights over the last year,  when he would not even interact with me it got to the point I continually asked him why he was with me.  If he did not even like me why were we together?  Maybe we should divorce so he could be happy again.  I felt he did not like me, love me? sure, but not like.   Hard to live with someone who does not like you.

He would get mad if dinner took longer than 20 – 30 minutes to cook.  If I ate too fast.  If I snacked.  If I asked what he wanted to eat.  If I went to the grocery store on the weekend.  If I ate breakfast on weekends. 

It may not seem like much, however; if you think of how often you eat over 5 years.  This got me to the point where now  I will throw away food if he starts glaring at me while I am eating, who cares if I am done. All he has to do is get that look on his face and I know oh-uh I did it again.   Happy wife happy life bullshit – Happy husband stable life.  If we go out to eat I better stop eating when he does.  I try not to ask what he wants to eat more than once a day.  I do not bring up food, even if I am hungry, he still gets mad. 

I know the world is more obese than 30 years ago, I know I weight about 30 pounds more than when we got married.  I am only one person with my own flaws.  Him obsessing over my food habits makes me neurotic.  I probably did not need any help in that corner of my life. 

I am trying on my own to eat less, move more to be healthier.  Yoga is helping me to stay calm and centered.  Anymore I hate food.  I wish ………………..too many things.  Sad to say here I am at almost 48 and I wish food came in a little pill so I did not have this thing hovering over me like a gray cloud. 

If you made it this far, Thank you for reading. Sorry for rambling.  This has helped me,  to write what is going on in our lives.  I will continue to write as my therapy.  That and do yoga.  I am so not flexible.  Yoga is a true workout for me to get sorta close on some of those poses.

Thanks for listening!

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CATCH-UP

The past two weeks have been kinda crazy.  Memorial weekend the hubs and I did a two day disc golf tournament.  This was a doubles tournament, that means we played as a team!  Yea!  We lost boo!  Mostly my fault.  I let the word tournament get in my head and mess up my game.  I will work on this to get better.

We also celebrated our 20 year anniversary the week before Memorial day.  The hubs got a tattoo.  We show our love through ink!  He made the most romantic gesture possible.  He has never and I mean NEVER been the thoughtful husband buying me things I would love and treasure.  Sometimes it has been shoes, or sunglasses, or his Harley.  This year he went all out.  He woke up early to see me before I went to work and gave me this……

BRACLET gorgeous bracelet!  I was so stunned I did not say much.  Such thoughtfulness left me speechless.  I stammer and stuttered and ruined his day😦.  He has never done such an amazing thing for me.  I know he loves me……with all his emotional and mental baggage I just don’t get the usual thoughtful gifts and special attention most girls would like.  I have learned to adjust and be happy with the little things.  This is a big deal to me.  Over the past couple of weeks we worked it out and he realizes how important this was to me. 

COLLAGE   The most important parts of me life!

I am still practicing yoga almost daily.  I am starting to participate in Instagram yoga challenges.  This is helping me meet new people and find healthier ways to be. 

With all that has happened this year my yoga, my dogs and my bracelet have helped to keep the year from being totally horrible.  Every day is a good day.  Every crappy yoga pose is a crappy yoga pose towards better yoga poses.

Thank you Clint for 20 in-cred-ible years together!  I love you!

 

Namaste!

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Puppy Days

Before we lost Amber, the hubs and I decided to add a third small dog to the house.  This will give Minion someone to play with.  Unknown to us having an amazing puppy in the house helped to lift some of the depression we all have been feeling.  Chief, who is now my oldest dog, still growls at the puppy, however; he will also stand still and let the puppy sniff him.

bugsy

This is Bugaboo.  I like to call him bugsy.  He is a Chihuahua.   He will be about as big as Chief so a little bigger than Minion. 

He has made me laugh more in the last 5 days then probably in the last 4 months. 

Minion is getting over his jealousy and they are starting to play.  Minion is a great big brother he will lay on the floor for Bugsy to crawl over and tug on.

Welcome to the family Bugsy!

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Disc Golf Tournament

Clint and I played in our first Disc Golf tournament of the year yesterday.  The kids played as well, which makes it super fun.  Ashley and I were on the same ticket as we are girls and there were only 5 of us.  Clint and Pat played the first round together, second round Kory and Pat played together.  I really enjoy spending time with Ashley.

I played better than my last tournament which is all I wanted.  I am sunburned and sore.  All in all it was a great day.  As Clint said it felt good to get outside and do something physical. 8-9 hours outside in Olathe. We play in the same area as the sweet corn festival.

I actually took some pics yesterday, however; due to technical difficulties I am not able to export them to my computer.  Figures right?

Before the tournament started Clint was able to pick up his Harley.  You might remember his Harley from this story.  It has been in the shop for a few months continually causing problems for the mechanic.  They would fix this widget then this gadget would break.  It was a flood of phone calls it’s ready……nvm still under repair.  Last Saturday we went to pick it up and nothing but rain.  Clint did not want to ride it home for the first real ride in the rain….so we left it again.  Yesterday was the perfect day to pick it up.  We still have a few issues to work out with it but, we should be good to go for the summer.

This is starting out to be the beginning of a great summer.

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