This post is has actually been harder for me to write than all the others regarding Clint’s illness.
He was never the most affectionate man, the last 4-5 years were even worse than before. Rarely a kiss, never a hug. Usually his “grumpy old man” mood. He was angry about a lot of things. Unfortunately I was the one he could grump about the most.
He would get angry over other people’s driving skills and could rant for the entire drive about it. Where other people parked their grocery carts. What other people weigh. I could deal with most of this as it was not directed at me. He was never violent, just really, really angry.
But when he got to me………….
He would get angry over what I ate. How fast I ate (hey I work in a hospital and sometimes it is eat fast or don’t eat at all). That I ate. Why all I thought about was food. He would get so mad about my eating he would not talk to me for hours. Yes, most of his picking at me, as he says was about food. Sometimes my attitude or weight, usually food. ( I hate food) I could ask what was wrong and he would say “nothing” not looking at me or actually interacting with me. If we went to bed while he was still angry at me there was not touching or cuddling. This seemed to happen many nights running. There were so many of those nights over the last year, when he would not even interact with me it got to the point I continually asked him why he was with me. If he did not even like me why were we together? Maybe we should divorce so he could be happy again. I felt he did not like me, love me? sure, but not like. Hard to live with someone who does not like you.
He would get mad if dinner took longer than 20 – 30 minutes to cook. If I ate too fast. If I snacked. If I asked what he wanted to eat. If I went to the grocery store on the weekend. If I ate breakfast on weekends.
It may not seem like much, however; if you think of how often you eat over 5 years. This got me to the point where now I will throw away food if he starts glaring at me while I am eating, who cares if I am done. All he has to do is get that look on his face and I know oh-uh I did it again. Happy wife happy life bullshit – Happy husband stable life. If we go out to eat I better stop eating when he does. I try not to ask what he wants to eat more than once a day. I do not bring up food, even if I am hungry, he still gets mad.
I know the world is more obese than 30 years ago, I know I weight about 30 pounds more than when we got married. I am only one person with my own flaws. Him obsessing over my food habits makes me neurotic. I probably did not need any help in that corner of my life.
I am trying on my own to eat less, move more to be healthier. Yoga is helping me to stay calm and centered. Anymore I hate food. I wish ………………..too many things. Sad to say here I am at almost 48 and I wish food came in a little pill so I did not have this thing hovering over me like a gray cloud.
If you made it this far, Thank you for reading. Sorry for rambling. This has helped me, to write what is going on in our lives. I will continue to write as my therapy. That and do yoga. I am so not flexible. Yoga is a true workout for me to get sorta close on some of those poses.
Thanks for listening!